After that appointment I met a wonderful lady, Karen, who showed me around the NICU, labor and delivery, and walked me to my cardiologist appointment. It's so nice to have kind people working with you in a time like this.
The new cardiologist, Dr. Laird, was very nice also. He himself spent at least 30 minutes taking images of Lucy's heart after the 20 minutes with the tech, and he talked to me for another 20 minutes or so afterward. He was very thorough and very kind. On the way out of the office I noticed they had a picture on the wall with Isaiah 40:31 and I felt like I had found the right place to be.
After the cardiologist, I saw a geneticist, who was not hopeful at all for Lucy, but she did reassure me that there was very little chance we would ever have a baby with chromosomal abnormalities again if we choose to try again.
I have to go back to Dallas on Thursday (and I have a glucose tolerance test tomorrow, which seems really silly at this point, but I suppose I should go). They will do another ultrasound there and I'll meet my new high risk OB, Dr. Farley. I'm hoping they will say that things don't look as serious as they did today, but no matter what, I know it will be ok.
It's really easy to say that I believe that everything belongs to God, but when it comes right down to it, I realize I haven't really believed it. I have believed that everything is mine, especially my children, but the truth is that none of it is mine. I don't deserve anything. Everything I have is a gift. I have said it many times, but now I need to believe it. The slogan for the Susan G. Komen 3 day walk really irks me: "Because everyone deserves a lifetime." Says who? No one deserves anything. We're given so much that we, that I, forget all the time that God has richly blessed me with too many things to count, especially considering how faithless I have been for periods of time in my life. I'm reminded of what God told the Israelites in Deuteronomy 8, telling them to be careful to remember Him after they had eaten and were satisfied, otherwise they might become proud and start to say that their own effort had brought them riches. And of course, God was right. The Israelites got to the promised land and had everything they could ever want and totally forgot about God and started to believe in themselves and in idols. And I have done the same. But I am nothing but a tiny speck in the scheme of things. The fact that I have a husband, a healthy child, a job, a car, a family, friends, a church family, a roof over my head, more than enough food to eat and clothes to wear is not proof that I have done something right, but rather that God has been extremely merciful and patient with me. And even if I didn't have any of these things, God would still be faithful and merciful.
So, I am thankful for Lucy, though I am pretty certain that she won't be with us for long. But she has reminded me to humble myself before God and remember that I am nothing and deserve nothing.
Here are a couple of verses for today:
"but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall run and not be faint."
Job 1: 20-21
"Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head and fell on the ground and worshiped9
. And he said, 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.'"