First diagnosis

The first time I went in to the doctor, I should have been around 8 weeks along. The baby measured 6 weeks, but they said it was probably just because I was off on my dates. Two weeks seemed a little unreasonable to me, but I decided it was probably nothing. Over Christmas break, we had a sono done in Peru when I was 14 weeks. The baby was measuring a little less than 13 weeks. Once again, it seemed strange to me that the baby was measuring so small. Everything else seemed to be in place, so I stopped thinking about it. She also told us she was 99% sure it was a boy.

This past Thursday we had our 20 week anatomy scan. The baby was measuring 2 weeks behind and the ultrasound tech said the bowels were bright, which wasn't normal, and she couldn't get a good look at the heart, and I had placenta previa, so they would probably also send me to a specialist. My doctor also mentioned that there seemed to possibly be a clot in the placenta, but nothing else. We prayed and talked about this and hoped for the best. Yesterday I had my level 2 sono with the specialist, Dr. Rodriguez. She was very kind, and very quiet for much of the ultrasound. She asked if I would prefer for her to tell me what she was seeing or just wait till the end. I asked her to go ahead and explain and she said that the baby seemed to have a congenital diaphragmatic hernia, basically a hole in the diaphragm which allows the organs from the abdomen to move up into the chest cavity. She could only see the stomach in the chest cavity for sure, but said the bowels would probably move up at some point, further compressing the heart and lungs. She said that some children live until birth and have successful surgeries and survive with somewhat normal lives, but that it was a really tough diagnosis. Also, the baby has one dialated kidney, echogenic bowels (bright bowels, sometimes an indicator of Downs Syndrome), and of course the baby is really tiny, measuring at least two weeks behind. I agreed to have an amnio done, which was somewhat terrifying and painful, though I'm not sure if it was really that physically painful or it just seemed to be since I was thinking about what she was doing. My sweet cousin, Sarah, took the afternoon off from watching kids to come with me since my husband had to work, and she was very kind and supportive of me.

I should know something about the amnio results by Monday and I have another sonogram on Monday to look for other defects. Thursday we go to see a pediatric cardiologist to make sure that heart is ok.

So far, it all feels quite unreal, especially since just today little missy (they said it was probably a girl yesterday, but she still had her legs clamped shut) decided today would be the day to turn flips in my belly. Last night I had a nightmare that there were all kinds of tiny babies growing in my belly, all with some sort of problem. I woke up relieved and then I remembered that I didn't have lots of babies, but there was one little sweetheart in there who has a very uncertain future at this point.

I realized that I have very rarely in my life experienced suffering that was not the result of the consequences of my bad behavior. For that I can truly say that I have been blessed. I also cannot feel sad when I look at my husband who loves and takes care of me and Isaac, and when I look at my little boy, so happy and opinionated and full of life. What a blessing that he was born with no problems and has been so healthy. It's easy to take that for granted. Emilio reminded me last night that this baby is not really our baby, but God's baby, and if He wants her to stay with us, she will, and if He wants her with Him, He will take her when the time is right. I pray that God will be with us through this experience and strengthen our faith. We know that He is in control and that He doesn't make mistakes so we are ready to face this challenge head on.

I keep thinking about these two verses:
Job 1:20-21
²⁰ At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship ²¹ and said:
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.^[c]
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.”

and Psalm 139: 13-16
" For you did form my inward parts. You did knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you for because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."