I know that as soon as Lucy's heart stopped and she stopped breathing that God took her home, but there is a part of me that was horrified thinking of her little body laying in a cold, dark place somewhere in a funeral home waiting on paperwork, of all things, to be dealt with. Last week we finally got all the paperwork together and they cremated her remains. I picked them up yesterday. It was horrible. I almost couldn't go in, but I did. Now the little box is sitting on top of our new to us piano (thanks to my aunt Suzy!), and I really have no idea what to do with them. I wish I would have spent more time with her before we gave her back. My husband wanted to give her back before she had even passed and I refused, but I didn't want to hurt him any more than he was already hurting, so I spent 5 little minutes with just the two of us and prayed over her and then everyone came in and I let them take her. I also think maybe we did the wrong thing in having the c-section. I could have insisted on monitoring or I could have just waited for her to pass in utero. Maybe that would have been the best thing for her. I really don't know. I suppose this is the hard part they were talking about.
I know things will be ok eventually, but I guess I'm just hurting worse than I thought I would. Please keep praying for us. Thank you to everyone who has sent us cards, sent emails, brought food, and reached out to us. We see God in you and it is keeping us sane. I thank God for my mother who insisted on coming and surprised us both by her physical and emotional strength. I sent her home today and I think that's why it's been such a rough day. I didn't think I needed my Mama anymore, but I have needed her and I really appreciate her spending the time and money and energy to come out here and love us and cook and clean and play with Isaac. I also thank my cousin, Sarah, for checking on us so often and helping with Isaac, and my aunt Marilyn who came the first two days and wore Isaac out entertaining him so well. All of this love has made me realize how lazy I have always been about helping those around me who are hurting. I plan on doing a better job from now on, because the help we've received has meant so much to us.