Saturday, April 14, 2012

Saying Goodbye

I know that as soon as Lucy's heart stopped and she stopped breathing that God took her home, but there is a part of me that was horrified thinking of her little body laying in a cold, dark place somewhere in a funeral home waiting on paperwork, of all things, to be dealt with. Last week we finally got all the paperwork together and they cremated her remains. I picked them up yesterday. It was horrible. I almost couldn't go in, but I did. Now the little box is sitting on top of our new to us piano (thanks to my aunt Suzy!), and I really have no idea what to do with them. I wish I would have spent more time with her before we gave her back. My husband wanted to give her back before she had even passed and I refused, but I didn't want to hurt him any more than he was already hurting, so I spent 5 little minutes with just the two of us and prayed over her and then everyone came in and I let them take her. I also think maybe we did the wrong thing in having the c-section. I could have insisted on monitoring or I could have just waited for her to pass in utero. Maybe that would have been the best thing for her. I really don't know. I suppose this is the hard part they were talking about.

I know things will be ok eventually, but I guess I'm just hurting worse than I thought I would. Please keep praying for us. Thank you to everyone who has sent us cards, sent emails, brought food, and reached out to us. We see God in you and it is keeping us sane. I thank God for my mother who insisted on coming and surprised us both by her physical and emotional strength. I sent her home today and I think that's why it's been such a rough day. I didn't think I needed my Mama anymore, but I have needed her and I really appreciate her spending the time and money and energy to come out here and love us and cook and clean and play with Isaac. I also thank my cousin, Sarah, for checking on us so often and helping with Isaac, and my aunt Marilyn who came the first two days and wore Isaac out entertaining him so well. All of this love has made me realize how lazy I have always been about helping those around me who are hurting. I plan on doing a better job from now on, because the help we've received has meant so much to us.


  1. Big ((Hugs)) to you. My daughter, Grace passed away from CDH complications last year, my heart goes out to you. I can relate to your post, the questions and the "what ifs" and the doubting whether you did the right thing, are normal. But I want you to know, you made all the right decisions for her. Picking up the remains was awful for me too. I didn't think it would be (why? I have no idea!) and I went while my husband was at work and with my 3 other kids. I'm still not sure how I made it home, I was such a mess. Thinking of you and hoping and praying for peaceful days to come.

  2. Becky, thank you for letting us know how you are doing. I think of you and Lucy and send strength for your grieving heart. So glad you heard from our brave CDH mama Miranda as well. It is unimaginably hard. You're not alone.
    Samuel's mama

  3. Praying for peace and comfort.. you have been in my thoughts and prayers.

    Liz (Finley's mama)

  4. Hi Becky~ My name is Monica, I am friend's with Rhonda Holtrop, and i found your link to your blog on her page. It caught my eye this morning, as it said saying goodbye. I know what it is like to say goodbye, and all the emotions that come along with the awful, unfathomable decisions that need to be made. We lost our first baby, Esther Jade at 27 weeks. We found out at 20 weeks that she had Turner's Syndrome and would probably not survive. She passed away, and a few days later i gave birth to her. It was so hard to know what to do. She did not look normal, i wish i would have held her to my chest, but my husband wanted to get her wrapped up so that we all and our family could hold her. If i could do it again, i would hold her, but i was given some great advice. We do the best we can at the time. I can't beat myself up, for what i didn't know! How does one know what to do in a situation like that? Death, losing a child?? It's awful and there is no way to prepare for it. You just go with it and do the best you can. As we drove to the cemetary for her burial, i began heaving crying uncontrollably when i saw her little moses basket that we were going to bury her in, sitting on top of a table. That is so wrong! It is not supposed to be that you have your Lucy's remains to have to deal with. And yet we live in a fallen world where we know we will have pain, but our hope is that Jesus has overcome THIS world. You will see Lucy again, I will see Esther again, and I hang on to that! Love~ Monica